All I want for Christmas is something good to watch
I will attack Buddy the Elf in the street without a moment's hesitation
We do not produce enough lasting pop culture about the holiday season. Searingly hot take, I know. But someone has to be the Greta Thunberg of Christmas movies.
I appreciate *Tevye voice* TRADITION as much as the next guy. “White Christmas” and “It’s a Wonderful Life”? Seated, year-round. Are there really a lot of holiday classics, though? No one’s watching “Christmas with the Kranks” through the dewy eyes of a child experiencing wonder for the first time.
The truth is, some movies and TV episodes luck into canonization. They come out at just the right moment, I guess, and are echo-chambered into ubiquity. We’ve beaten the corpse of “Elf” into a pulp of maple syrup and clearance aisle merchandise. “Love Actually” became what its Bill Nighy-starring plotline roasted so snidely and British-ly.
And listen, plenty of “classics” are abominable. Those Rankin/Bass stop-motion monstrosities look like haunted dolls from a garage sale. I long to kill Yukon Cornelius with a crossbow.
There aren’t as many hidden black-and-white gems as you’d think. Once you’ve seen ’em, you’ve seen ’em. Today, studios factory-farm holiday fare, churning out Hallmark-flavored gelatin cubes starring Lindsay Lohan. I watch them, mind you, but these are the cinematic equivalent of grocery store cupcakes. They taste like something you love but you immediately regret consuming even one.
This year, I made myself a watchlist of things that actually get my cheer flowing. In the spirit of the season, I’ll share a few highlights with you. Not included below but also worthy of our iced-over eyeballs, by virtue of not being “Elf”: “Little Women” (Greta’s version), “The Holdovers,” and “Tokyo Godfathers.”
‘Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special’
The Stefon of Christmas specials. This playhouse has everything: Annette Funicello pressed into indentured servitude, Little Richard ice skating, Magic Johnson in a cartoon sleigh, singing triplets, Cher screaming, and Oprah.
But make sure you stay for the human present. It’s that thing where you get a delivery from the post office but it’s Grace Jones in a giant crate singing “The Little Drummer Boy.”
‘All I Want for Christmas’
Grain of salt on this one; I haven’t watched it in a dog’s age, which will soon change. I remember 1991’s “All I Want for Christmas” as the rare piece of pop culture that my sister and I loved equally. It’s essentially “The Parent Trap” in “Home Alone” drag.
Ethan Embry and Thora Birch play kids trying to get their divorced folks back together for Christmas. Their plot hinges on a wish to Santa, played by Leslie Nielsen. Lauren Bacall plays their grandma, a chic old dame who looks, sounds, and acts Lauren Bacall.
‘Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy’ by Bing Crosby and David Bowie
I respect Mariah Carey’s game, but Bing is the voice of Christmas to me. While his standards are on repeat, I’ve always been disproportionately fond of his final pop hit, “Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy,” a curio he taped with David Bowie for a 1977 Christmas special.
Watching these guys in the same gauzy shot feels like a bit of impossible holiday magic. They’re two chart-toppers whom you never think of as existing at the same time. It’s kinda like watching FDR do wheelies around Donna Summer.
“Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy” is also a gorgeous song, full of intergenerational warmth and groovy goodwill. Crosby and Bowie’s little sketch at the beginning is primo Christmas pageant acting.
Side note: The existence of a “BingCrosbyVEVO” YouTube account is unnatural.
‘Bob’s Burgers’ Season 13, Episode 10: ‘The Plight Before Christmas’
Depictions of family overcoming obstacles with love and understanding always make me cry. For example: Jennifer Garner telling her cardboard son that he can breathe now in “Love, Simon,” that little kid singing his little song at the end of “Coco,” the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles realizing that they have each other’s backs (shells) in the most recent movie, etc.
Throw a little yule in there, and I’m on bed rest. This year, I will schedule accordingly before I watch “The Plight Before Christmas.” It’s one of many insta-classic holiday episodes of “Bob’s Burgers,” a cartoon that is normally the closest nonpharmaceutical remedy I have for depression.
In this installment, all of the kids have holiday events on the same night. Bob and Linda try to scramble to hit them all up. Bob takes Gene to his recital, and Linda takes Tina to her play, but it looks like no one will see Louise’s poetry recital.
But then! The most devastatingly kind plot twist in television history — a heartwarming one set to xylophone carols.
And listen, some of our “classics” are abominable. Those Rankin/Bass stop-motion monstrosities look like haunted dolls from a garage sale. I long to kill Yukon Cornelius with a crossbow.
‘The Thin Man’
The first installment of William Powell and Myrna Loy’s drunken detective franchise is already holiday movie canon, though I rarely see it on lists. It’s not as omnipresent as, say, “Die Hard,” but director W. S. Van Dyke’s “The Thin Man” is a definitive go-to for film programmers looking for Christmas movies that aren’t really Christmas movies but they are.
The Dashiell Hammett adaptation finds quippy socialites Nick and Nora Charles (Powell and Loy) sleuthing around 1934 New York to solve a murder, as they do. It’s set during holiday season but not consumed by its trappings. I’ve always loved this scene below, which captures the mindless lull of Christmas morning. Come for the balloons on the tree, stay for the charming innuendo.
‘Mad Men’ Season 5, Episode 10: ‘Christmas Waltz’
There’s little cheer in this, but Don (Jon Hamm) and Joan (Christina Hendricks) give themselves the gift of character development in a masterfully scripted scene of merry commiseration. Commerrysation. Idk, they’re hot.
‘The Green Knight’
Not only is “The Green Knight” one of my favorite movies period — love to feel emotional about a life worth living — but it’s the grimiest, Dev Patel-iest yuletide movie. David Lowery’s fantasy film excels at evoking winter. Gray vistas filled with visible breath. An awkward family brunch. Barry Keoghan being a weird little dude, which is of course elf-coded. And what is that towering, mossy, wooden knight but a sentient Christmas tree?
Sufjan Stevens Yule Log
This is less of a thing to watch and more of a thing to passively experience. There’s no shortage of yule log streams on YouTube, but only one is set to the greatest body of seasonal music ever recorded, and I ain’t talkin’ Vince Guaraldi. Turn this on, lie on the couch in a dimly lit room, and let yourself drift in and out of consciousness to Sufjan.
Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa cake
Obsessed with this diva. Sandra Lee used to be the (de facto) first lady of New York state! And yet here she is, putting corn nuts on a “Kwanzaa cake.” My favorite comment on this YouTube video: “If ‘be not afraid’ were cakes.”
I do think this segment is how we got Trump.
Darlene Love singing ‘Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)’ on ‘The Late Show with David Letterman’
This is a borrowed tradition, or perhaps a gifted one, from my friend Beth. Darlene Love’s 1963 classic, part of the essential “A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector” album, is the very definition of jingle bell rock. It only gets warmer with time, which you can see happen over the course of three decades of TV performances. Though Letterman is off the air, Love still sings the song each year for “The View,” but don’t invite that energy into your home.
This one also feels very New York-in-December-coded. Embrace your inner Macaulay Culkin. Or better yet, your inner Pigeon Lady.
One rad thing
There’s a sharp jolt you feel watching an artist have their big defining moment. Chappell Roan on “The Tonight Show,” Future Islands on Letterman’s show, Christina Aguilera doing her impression of Kim Cattrall on “SNL,” and so forth. Doechii’s unforgettable performance on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” gives me that jolt.
The ecstatically expressive Florida rapper — joined by an infinite braid to her two dancers — performed two songs from her Grammy-nominated mixtape, “Alligator Bites Never Heal.” Not only is Doechii’s delivery diesel-powered, but the staging, choreography, and production design demonstrate t-a-s-t-e. It’s a little Solange, a little “Teknolust,” a little lamaze. If VH1 ever did an “I Love the 2020s” retrospective, I’d want this to show up.
Bonus: Doechii’s NPR Tiny Desk concert dropped soon after this. She plays with similar ideas, especially with her band’s uniform braids, but it’s sublime in its own way. And there’s a praise break!
Outbound messages
The only gift guide you need: the one from J.P. Brammer’s ¡Hola Papi! that’s filled with presents for your sworn enemies. My personal favorite item on this cursed Christmas list:
“For months, I embedded myself in the Funko Pop community (the Funko Population) with the sole intent of finding the Funko Pop that’s most likely to come to life at night and murder its master in cold blood. …
“Behold at last, the fruits of my nefarious labor: The Mrs. Potts Funko Pop, a horrid figurine accompanied by an equally horrifying Chip that manufacturers accidentally imbued with the souls of a vengeful Hungarian mercenary and his neglected neurodivergent son. I think Chip probably just watches.”
…
Reclusive pop divas are very Turning Out. Italian singer Mina is new to me, but she’s a decade-spanning icon in her home country. (They nicknamed her the Tigress of Cremona!) Serves me right for never finishing “Drag Race Italia,” because I’m sure someone played her in Snatch Game. She hasn’t performed live since 1978, and the last public glimpse into her creative process came in 2001.
Mina, 84, recently released a new album, and NPR reported on the air of mystery around the recording. Is it really her singing? Did she use A.I.? How does aging affect the vocal cords? Read the story here.
’Til next week.
“All I Want for Christmas” is my all-time favorite! My sis and I watched it every holiday, and we’ve both continued the tradition even though we are far apart. Great round up!